I said this blog would only be about weight loss and fitness, but here I am writing about my divorce. This week I've had to do several really difficult things relating to that and thought I should mention them. Maybe someone else can benefit from my mistakes and experiences.
On Tuesday, I had to pack the remaining items at the apartment that my wife and I shared. I left on pretty short notice at her request and still had quite a few items there that were too large to carry out on my own. My wife's stuff was all gone, leaving only a random collection of items. To see my things without hers next to them just felt wrong. A couple times it completely overwhelmed me. At one point I found myself sitting on the stairs sobbing. OK, it was more than once that I found myself sitting somewhere random in the place sobbing. Usually someplace where I had a random happy memory hit me. Once I just dropped to my knees and smacked into the hardwood floor hard enough to see stars.
People who know me know that I'm not easily shaken emotionally. Being there again shook me to my core. It was so hard being in a place with so many memories, so many sweet little moments, so many hopes and dreams. All of them are just memories and failed hopes now.
I had thought about sleeping there on the couch and then getting up to meet the movers the next morning. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't stay there without her. It felt wrong and it hurt too much. The fact is that I have a gaping wound in me as a person that will probably take a while to heal, no matter how much of an act I put on at work and with my friends. Spending that much time there would have just hurt too much.
So I threw a few things in the car and went back to my apartment, which I still can't say feels like home. I tried playing some XBox to get my mind off it all.... no luck.
I came back the next morning and watched as the movers took my stuff out to the truck. I had to really try not to break down in front of them. It felt like they were taking all my memories of the last few years away. I know there are bad memories too, but it's the good ones that you miss.
The first couple weeks, I was more or less OK. I don't think it had all set in yet. Now, I can barely function. I'm depressed. I'm hurt, stressed, I can't focus my attention on anything, and I sleep but wake up a lot and never feel rested. I miss her a lot and hate myself for the pain I caused her.
Perhaps the hardest thing I've had to do is to make myself feel that emotion. I'm not drinking, I'm not burying myself at work or at the gym or on the bike, and I'm avoiding anything that might get me in trouble.
I didn't start that way. Believe me, the first few weeks I did everything I could to distract myself and I did some things I'm not proud of. So now I'm here facing it head on. And it hurts.
A piece of advice to all you married folks out there: recognize a good thing when you've got it. As frustrated as you might be, as hurt as you might feel, whatever faults or slights you perceive.... just be ready to deal with how hard it is to live without them. I was really unhappy in the final months, but not a day goes by that I don't wonder what would have happened if I'd done something more or something sooner. Maybe we could have worked it out before the major damage was done.
Living without someone who you thought you would never be without is harder than I ever thought it could be.
